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Friday, February 6th, 2009
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10:28 pm - no one is to blame
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having another one of those moments where not only is one's heart broken but one's very soul is tattered ribbons blowing away over the horizon.
A is still here, though why i couldn't say.
he is combative, insulting, unhelpful and unemployed.
divorce isn't something he will talk about except to say i should leave.
i need to hold on for one more year.
get the past due amount on the mortgage paid off and find a new pc, dentist and neurosurgeon.
then things will get really ugly.
he already said the police would have to drag him out to get him to leave.
i am no longer afraid of doing that.
yes,life is hard and unfair, but how much more can this go on?
some times i think the reason i'm not a suicide yet is that i'm to spirit depleted to have the energy to do it right.
current mood:  discontent
current music: overkill, men at work
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| Friday, January 9th, 2009
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4:28 pm - ning network
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we’ve been approved!
creative rennies of etsy is an official street team!
i am very excited but also very apprehensive.
i have never lead a team before and am often ignored.
this is so important to help others though so extra effort will be made.
our etsy team page is http://team.etsy.com/viewteam.php?id=519.
our ning networking site is here; http://rennies.ning.com/
i still need to open a group store and then once a few items are in it sit and try to grab a treasury.
i hope i get some volunteers.
i'm so shy it is going to be a challenge, but this was my new year's resolution.
this group will be nurtured into the next decade.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: the yelling of small children
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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12:20 am - what's new pussycat
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i'm a grandma.
my cat alphonse got my cat edo preggers last spring.
the only surviving kitten of that litter is zelda.
she had a litter on april 19th, 2 days after her first birthday.
stupid me decided to let her nurse as long as she wanted before spaying her.
she just had a second litter this past week.
there will be a short nursing period this time.
i guess breastfeeding is poor birth control for cats as it is for people.
now i have 10 kittens to fix as well as mommy cat.
alphonse was fixed a while back. boy was i surprised when edo got pregnant!
they must have just done the nasty right before he went to the vet's.
zelda looks just like him and the only boy from her first litter looks like him too.
the new kittens still look like rats.
when people find out i'm a witch they ask if i have a black cat.
yup.
11 of them.
none on purpose.
just turned out that the older ones were the first of my rescues.
i also have a tabby, a grey and 3 babies of yet to be determined color.
my familiar was melvin.
he was a mackerel tabby.
he passed away 4 years ago last month and i cannot open my heart to any animal or person since.
i miss him so much that i still could scream my grief to the world.
all these new cats are nice.
i know i have a great home for them and will give them a happy life.
i'll even love them, but as pets.
i loved melvin as an equal.
current mood: lonely
current music: mrs. fubu purring
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| Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
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9:10 am - undone
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nearly half a year since the last post.
no one even knows i have my little soap box.
i only seem to turn to it when i am at my lowest.
i guess i think it may be cathartic but it really isn't.
all the problems are still there, only now they are so much worse.
a. hasn't been paying the mortgage.
up to 6 weeks ago this was a surprise to me.
now he is saying that i need to turn over $6000 to the back just to get a payment plan.
in fact he dropped this on me this morning, a half hour after he had supposedly left the house.
he came in the bedroom-a room he is not allowed in-waving a sheaf of papers and telling me to sign now because today was the last day to save the house.
apparently he couldn't be bothered to contact legal aid or call the bank for past statements.
it was easier just to blame me.
he never even talked to a supervisor at the mortgage company, just rolled over and took it up the ass knowing i was the one who would end up paying for it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
1. i was in bed with a migraine. not the best time to approach someone. i felt threatened and almost physically attacked.
2. a. could have been talking to me about the deadline and our options before this morning as we had spent the weekend working together. this was the first i heard of this having to be done today.
3. he insisted this was my fault as i had not found his bank statements. he made such a mess out of the mail i couldn't have if i tried.
i tried cleaning off the computer desk and placed all the mail in one pile.
what more could he want?
if the statements were so important he could have called the bank for copies of the statements.
4. a. insists i am doing this because i am angry with him.
yeah, i am beyond angry and truly wish for his death, but i do not want my babies out on the street.
i still think he did not explore all avenues and want to talk to the supervisors of whatever dickshit he talked to.
he also needs to consult legal aid.
5. he says i am mad because i am not getting what i want and i do not understand he is not getting what he wants either.
what a crock that is.
he is getting just what he wants.
he didn't tell me about the mortgage situation. i found out on my own when letters from lawyers dealing in foreclosure and bankruptcy started coming in the mail.
he has me in a position of complete defeat and KNOWS it.
he had prior knowledge and withheld it to make sure my hand were tied.
he is the only one with any power.
the only thing he wants and doesn't get is sex.
6. i am so sick of the argument "i work 3 jobs and go to school".
a. works 8 hours a day. he makes it seem like he actually is working instead of stealing company time. all jobs are done within the time he is paid for his primary position.
he clocks into one job, goes onto the next to clock in, then clocks in again at another.
the college work is his own problem.
back when i actually cared if he lived or not i tried to get him to go back to school and he declined vehemently.
now it is all important even though he is too scared to look for work in his field.
tough crap.
i worked 15 hour days plus every saturday until i was pregnant. real physical and mental work too.
i never even got a. to even do dishes. he left all housework and meals to me even though i worked so hard back then.
7. he took out a student loan behind my back and got money from his mother for school knowing that the mortgage went unpaid and that i had no idea it wasn't getting paid. the money should have gone elsewhere.
that is so wrong and sneaky.
these are his babies he is doing this to.
8. since finding out about our mortgage issue i have asked him everyday if he had called the mortgage company.
he hadn't been.
but this morning he insisted he had been in touch with them for 2 months.
so he was either lying then or is lying now.
9. a. said that it was his plan all along to use the money from the ct renaissance faire to paid this.
first i heard of it.
i have been busting a nut to get sales and am working ill and injured for my family-not so he can beg off talking to people and then take all the money for fees and payments he should have been making all along.
10. lastly is not really a point, just a whine.
it. is. not. fair.
all of this happened behind my back and now i have no choices left.
my doctors all want to admit me to a hospital because i am doing physical harm to myself and am heading for a complete breakdown.
a. takes no responsibility for the role he plays, even when he rapes me when i fall asleep.
how much more can i bear?
i am soul bruised and so damn weary.
must i continue?
should i even bother?
the kids are still very young.
they will forget i was here. i would leave no void.
i am unloved and uncared for by the people i believed in the most.
yes, this sounds so self indulgent but these feeling are REAL.
i have yet to have them proved otherwise by my father, partner or "friends".
i am a soft target to use and discard.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
in the end i will of course do as a. wishes.
what choice do i have at this late date?
i it all for my babies.
they are the only things worth fighting for.
they are my reason for trying to continue an empty existence.
current mood:  distressed
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| Monday, May 21st, 2007
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9:21 am - monday, monday
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a quick monday morning check:
cases of pneumonia scince january: 3
amount of money in debt just for the month of may: 2100
kittens birthed by edo cos the vet said she was too little to fix: 3
number of children (friends and mine) to get on the bus every morning: 6
and i can't find any clean underwear today...
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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10:00 am - the sounds of silence
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thankfully the twins are in kindergarten for 3 more hours.
the heat pipes froze yesterday afternoon and by this morning it was 43 degrees in the house, 7 degrees outside.
the bathroom has water, the kitchen and laundry do not.
the pellet stove is running non-stop but only gets the living room and dining room to 62.
as it is so cold there are almost no cars going by, no dogs barking or roosters crowing.
if it wasn't so bloody cold it would be perfect!
the boy cats were fixed 2 weeks ago.
wilma is still upset about the loss of his maleness and is still trying to hump edwina and the other boy cat.
al took it all in stride.
problem is, i waited 2 weeks too late to fix them.
it seems my little edo is pregnant.
edwina is only 7 months old.
3 months ago, the weekend before her appointment for her hysterectomy, the fell off the porch room and fractured her femur in 8 places.
after extensive (read that EXPENSIVE) surgery she was held together with screws, wire and a large handle-like apparatus sticking out of her thigh and hip.
the vet said not to fix her for 4 weeks after the 12 week recovery.
because of the cost of surgery and follow-up visits there was no money to neuter the 2 males.
all was well until 3 weeks ago when edo went into heat.
i made the appointments and took the boys but it was just too late...
now i'm going to have 10 cats in the house...
yup, that's me, the crazy cat lady with the naked twins.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: just the winter stillness
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| Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
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10:33 pm - one mother of a headache
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2 weeks until i go to the neurologist.
i need a new med.
the headache was so bad it felt like fire and ice were engulfing my face.
the left side went numb to external stimuli again.
now i'm shaking like mad and have an aura. i won't be able to sleep again because of it.
You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
current mood:  stressed
current music: just the trobbing in my skull
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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10:38 pm - star search
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found this nifty site for spiritual birthday info.
it has some numerology, chinese astrology and lots else.
http://www.paulsadowski.com/BirthDay.asp
the depression is getting worse.
i'm having a hard time staying out of bed unless it is to go shopping.
i'm managing to slog through the day so far but don't think i can keep it up much more.
the insomnia and headaches are so severe i can't even think beyond "want to die" sometimes.
just to make things interesting our insurance was canceled on a technicality and will be at least a week to reinstate.
just in time for more meds, i hope.
my girls were watching legally blonde on tbs this afternoon.
they found it channel surfing and were fascinated. i should take this as a positive sign they understand that they can be girly but still act as smart as they are. too bad they fell asleep once things got serious.
current mood: distressed
current music: "bend & snap!"
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| Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
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12:41 am - rumors of my death...
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i don't know why i even bother with this thing.
no one in rl knows i have it and i do not have any online friends.
i seldom update and when i feel the most need to bare my soul i am too depressed to even open my laptop, never mind writing about my fractured heart.
i hate a. with a passion.
aside from his seed he has been almost useless.
my very soul has been abraded for the past decade plus he has been shadowing me.
nothing ever changes yet it all seems to be getting worse as i look back at how we used to live. funny the things you get used to...
i am recovering from pneumonia and have been suffering from severe migraines as the neurologist from new england medical has changed my meds again. they are not working and are making me sicker all around. i have had every side effect that the requip said was possible. how the hell am i going to take care of the twins if i cannot even get out of bed?
a. has been "helping" which means he sits on the computer in the living room playing whatever online game is currently dorking up bandwith.
no dishes washed, trash piled up, floors sticky and every room a huge mess.
is it any wonder i continue to dream about freedom?
some day soon i shall walk in peace with my babies and just BE.
| You Are a Peacemaker Soul | 
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul |
current mood:  angry
current music: a.'s video games
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| Monday, May 29th, 2006
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9:55 pm - violets are blue
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depression is a nasty thing.
i've been clashing with it for as long as i can remember.
when i was about 5 i turned on the bathtub taps, closed the drain and went to bed and thought i could be dead of drowning in the morning in my own bed. of course i was way off and only got in trouble for making a huge mess in the bathroom.
now i just pray for another day to be over with.
without the twins i wouldn't have anything at all to anchor me to life i just can't seem to handle.
a doctor's care and large amounts of antidepressants still don't seem to make the crushing pain inside me ease up.
ivy and rose can't carry the weight of my invisible pain, but they do give me a small thread of hope. something to try to hold together for.
today is a bad day.
most are.
this is just a rarity for me to let go and show that it is bad.
i've had worse days and *no one knew*.
or maybe they did and just didn't care.
current mood: depressed
current music: the fracturing of my heart
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| Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
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6:02 pm - the care and feeding of your magical beast
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well, i guess it makes sense in some cosmic way...
the comparison has been made before.
store is still on hold.
what a long story that has turned into.
i have lost faith in the truthfulness of business owners this past 6 months and am convinced the universe hates me.
the twins turned 5 recently and have been enrolled in kindergarten for september.
am feeling useless and unmotivated and old.
current mood: annoyed
current music: wonder pets theme
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006
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1:39 pm - kinda knew it all along...
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took a test on he web today...
here's the craptastical results:
| You Are 54% Evil | 
You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. |
current mood: pensive
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| Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
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11:55 am
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| Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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2:37 pm - the captain's crew
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there are fruit flies floating at the bottom of my bottle of captain morgan.
have become so apathetic i don't even care and am drinking it anyways.
i wonder if they drowned or if the fumes got to them first?
can think of worse ways to go!
am out of my old store but the new one is nowhere near ready.
i might pass entirely and just re-open somewhere come april.
last year there was 6' of snow on the sidewalks after the christmas rush and almost no sales between mid january to late march.
if i cannot gain occupency before the 7th of december my whole christmas season will be a bust and i will have no money to pay the lease until march.
have been working non stop on my website & drinking very steadily while the twins are in pre-school or in bed.
i think its coming along okay but i have over 1000 items to get up.
it's not an azure green drop ship store in a box like most magical on-line stores, but a real online store where i have gathered items i find to be spiritually and magically charged.
the drinking helps me creatively but then i don't have the drive to fold laundry or bake cookies.
at this rate i'll be in aa by summer.
www.magicalalchemy.com
still very much a work in progress but check out the fabulous herbs!
i wrote the descriptions instead of just copying them off of another site like all the rest.
i really want this to be diffenent- safe & real -than all those other sites.
off to do more web work.
and drink a bit...
current mood:  apathetic
current music: jimmy neutron
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| Thursday, October 27th, 2005
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6:27 pm - freudian slip
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in my last post i called my ex a bugger flipper...
he he he!
i meant burger flipper.
although the way he sleeps around one cannot tell for sure.
the twins are drawing pictures.
the one they are both working on right now is "a worm peeing".
a bit more stimulating than the last one of "me (ivy) farting".
gotta love pre-school humor =^..^=
rose was home with a fever today and now is so house bound she's just not happy.
ivy ran into another kid at pre-school and has a black eye, just in time for halloween portraits.
i'll have to get some crystal tattoos to put over it. wonder how bad the other kid looks..ivy is one bad assed baby even though she's so tiny.
been drinking way too much lately but hopefully will stop once my store issue is resolved.
captain morgan is my best friend.
i don't even bother with a glass any more, just tipple straight from the jug. that's what the handle's for. ;D
off to bed soon to catch up on the water 7 arc.
wonder if sogeking is making an appearance?
current mood: pensive
current music: theme to odd parents
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| Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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1:28 pm - alice doesn't live here anymore
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got an eviction notice from my current landlord.
the bitch at the spot i'm trying to rent hasn't moved out yet.
i have 1000 sf of herbs, clothing, jewelry and goodies floor to ceiling and nowhere to go.
can't stay, can't move.
it's almost halloween and i cannot even plan an event for it.
so frustrating.
as the twins would say "it a pain ass".
the ex is also bringing me in to court because he wants the child support lowered.
apparently he has been unemployed for over 2 months.
as he is a glorified bugger flipper i cannot understand how he cannot get another job...
if it is lowered preschool may be a luxury then because of the loss of child care my mortgage may become a luxury too. we'll be sleeping in my 15 year old van that has no heat and a sliding door held closed by a bungee cord.
the cats have been bringing me half eaten mice and moles.
at least someone loves me!
now to avoid stepping on the squishy bits...
current mood: pissed off
current music: the joker
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| Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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11:38 am - a candy colored clown...
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so i went for another meeting with the owner of the place i'm trying to rent.
i went through the lease with him in great detail having him change a bunch of stuff that would make me more liable than it should including replacement glass, snow removal, hours of opperation and a few other small details.
that p.i.a. (pain in the ass) still hasn't moved her shit but richard told her she has until the 1st because he has ordered the crap we need to fix the mess of her store and it will be arriving by that date.
i'll be very fortunate if alchemy is open by december 1st.
that means the day after thanksgiving boom will pass me by...the store did awesome that day last year too!
am putting off making the twin's costumes cos i'm lazy.
would rather sit arround reading one piece & samurai champloo yaoi until the girls come home.
the thought of hot gluing 100+ leaves and sunflowers to their tutus to make them nymphs seems more daunting than it did a week ago.
i'll just put on another black velvet dress, a pair of spike boots, black gloves and add one of my witch hats and be ready to rock.
basically what i wear everyday minus the hat & gloves. those are for days when there is something happening in town to draw a lot of shobies.
had the funkiest dream this morning.
in it there was another store like mine called "the witch store". yeah, well we can't all have great imaginations...
the guy who owned it was kind of tall and scrawny and had a scraggly beard and bushy eyebrows. his hair was nondescript lighter brown.
he was always glad to see me and wanted to show me his new room. i said it would be great for yoga or shamanastic journing.
he wanted to dance with me in the empty space and there was muzak playing-that boring new agey crap.
i declined.
then-and here is the surreal part-these 3 little girls came up to me and said daddy was waiting.
their names were, from oldest to youngest, joanne, brittany & kimberly.
i went home with the girls to my "husband's" room and remember feeling bitter about having to take care of these 3 kids who weren't even mine when i had barely enough time to snuggle with the twins.
well, there he was with his pants undone and trying like all hell to hump me.
i started smacking him and after a good shove that sent him against a table and sprawled on the floor he actually came. uggh!
the phone in the real world started ringing at this point and i woke up wondering why there were only 2 little girls in the bed upstairs...
swear i have never seen the "husband" or the store owner before.
the twins' grandmother is joanne so that made sense and there are about a million brittanys at pre-school. i do not even know anyone named kimberly.
the table the guy fell against is the same one in my bedroom but it was in a different place.
finally, the witch store was located where a very successful nursery is here in town. i used to buy banzai trees there.
i dream a lot, mostly including springs (bed, pen, toy) and rooms. this one just freaked me out though.
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| Friday, October 14th, 2005
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10:35 am - hell is other people
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the lease on my witchcraft store is up.
a better store has been offered to me but the woman who is currently renting it hasn't moved out yet.
the location is great but the store itself is trashed.
it will take quite a bit of work to make it habitable and replace its tired energy.
my current landlord is a total bastard.
the heater is broken and he refused to fix it. it was 85-90 degrees all summer even with the air conditioner running. when confronted with the issue he told us to get out.
tired of doing positive energy spells and really just want to kick ass and take names right now.
so here is my go away spell for the person currently in my new spot:
name paper w/store name
placed under a black candle
dressed with go away oil
rubbed with a bit of graveyard dust from my own future plot
a bit of grey magic...
and a bad attitude...
current mood: annoyed
current music: sylvian song
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| Saturday, August 13th, 2005
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12:17 pm - more sadness
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i was lurking over at one of my favorite places, one piece yaoi drabble community, http://www.livejournal.com/community/onepieceyaoi100/
and saw this test about which op guy is right for you.
i am so pathetic i actually took it.
results are not surprising...
You live for laughs and love guys who are just as
creative as you. Go for Ussop! He's got the
personality you admire so much!
Caution: It might take a while until he gets the
courage to stand up and protect you (instead of
helping you run away)
One Piece Matchmaker (For Females)
brought to you by Quizilla
am at my store right now.
it is 98 outside and 87 inside.
because this is new england the humidity is overwhelming. stepping outside is like breathing in hot, damp wool flannel. even my inhaler isn't helping.
closing early sounds good cos i bought tons of fabric at joanne fabrics and can hardly wait to sew some witchy garb, pirate shirts and alter cloths. need more herbal pillows too.
haven't sewed much or beaded in a while.
the artistic muse seems to have melted in the heat.
maybe i'll work on some stress and banishing potions.
maybe i'll sit in front of the computer and read op & trigun gay porn.
current mood: grumpy
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| Monday, August 8th, 2005
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1:40 pm - there's a wocket in my pocket...
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twins are on the loose.
right now they are naked in the backyard.
they can strip about as fast as i get clothes on the little heathens.
as long as they stay inside the fence it isn't such a big deal.
there is a barbie on my computer desk...
wtf
nothing is sacred...
captain usopp is watching over me from the top of the scanner and looks a bit amused at this.
of course he just may be trying to look up barbie's dress.
current mood: apathetic
current music: dora the explorer
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polw's journal
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